It’s all my fault

It’s all my fault

​I’ve been waiting all week to hang out with the guys in Miami for some fun and the Bills game on Sunday. We always do a Bills away game every year. Thursday finally came. However the day hasn’t gone exactly the way I wanted it to. This morning I realized I never booked the flight for my twin brother to come with us  to Miami. I booked him flights to come back but not for the way there. How did this happen? I have no idea since I booked the flights 5 months ago but I take the blame. Its my fault and that was a very difficult conversation to have with my brother. I ended up giving him my flight and said I would find a way down there. The one way flight I bought this morning to Miami ended up costing 2x more than the whole trip cost there and back originally. I blew my budget I planned on spending on the trip before I even got there. And since I was in a hurry to get to the airport the last minute I forgot my phone charger and headphones. Now I have 6 hours of traveling stuck with my thoughts and man was I angry at myself.  I was beating myself up. My brother was mad at me and even said “how are you going to have a family/kids someday if you cant even book flights?”. The question/anger was warranted and was said out of frustration. But one of my biggest fears is not being able to a great dad/husband.  Dan hit a cord there even though he didn’t mean to. 

So there I was sitting in the airport waiting for my last flight by myself, sulking. Not what I imagined my morning would have been. It should have been me and the guys getting amped up for a big wknd and a bills game we bought tickets for month ago. Funny how things change and how i got in my own way. I already blew my trip budget and didn’t want to spend money on getting headphones and a charger for my phone. I wouldnt have enough battery to listen to music and call everyone when I arrived. So I kept telling myself “This is my fault, I deserve this. I did it to myself. Now just sit and pay the price”. So I sat there… disappointed. 

But I kept sitting there and I was bored out of my mind. And i just kept thinking “am I really going to do this to myself the whole trip and or the whole flight there?”. I cant just sit here and just do this to myself so I went to the kiosk and spent $65 on cheap headphones and a phone charger. I immediately started reading a book on my kindle app called “People of the second chance” and popped in some worship music. I remembered hearing a sermon from Valley creek church saying “You can worry or you can worship”. Well I was done worrying because it wasn’t helping. 

I was reading “People of the second chance” by Mike Foster and came upon this. 

“One of the first steps of living as a second chancer is to get comfortable with our messes. To find a peace with who we are and what life turned into for us. I’ve sat with so many people who have struggled with the sorrow of their stories, whose expectations did not line up with how life had turned out. They wanted an outcome that was never promised. 

My simple advice to them? Embrace it all. Every tear and every heartbreak. Every stain and every scab. Every flaw and every imperfection. They belong to you, I say, so wear them with your head held high. Second chancers understand our brokenness isn’t something to hide but to integrate into our lives. We do not need to be ashamed. No matter what the world says, we are not “less than”for being broken.”

Perfect for what I was going through huh? And it was very hard to feel sorry for myself while reading this and listening to worship music. 

Without my imperfections and my mess there would be no need for grace. There would be no need for hope. And without my mistakes God’s love would be more of luxury verses a necessity in my life. And when we feel powerless like I did, that is the start of taking a next step towards something greater. It doesn’t mean a step down. 

Im writing this because i dont want to look like I’m perfect or even trying to be. Because I am loved and have purpose even with me being a mess at times.  

I think its hard for people to come to God not just because we feel like we don’t measure up but because we have to admit we don’t have it all together. Thats tough to do, even tougher to boast about it. But let me try my best crack at it. 

I dont have everything together. Mike Foster says “God’s kingdom is more trailer park than country club.” 

I want God to turn my mess into something mind blowing, fun and life altering where I can boast about my weakness verses being focused on it. Doesnt that sound better than just “I guess im just not good enough”? 

When we have these kinds of stories, it’s often humiliating. But we don’t have to fear anything when we realize that all things, even the painful moments, are teaching us something. It is in the mess that God meets us.
The last thing I want someone to do is read this blog and say “Good attitude Dave”. I want a “Hmm, where does God meet me in my mess? And do I even let him?”

Because we all have one. 

Are we letting God in our mess? Or are we more focused on looking good/having it all together? 

You are imperfect, but you can be perfectly loved and perfectly used by God. That is what I’m celebrating today in my life. Cheers

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